I Didn’t Want Him to go
Preschool and the Sovereignty of God.
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I didn’t want him to go
We moved to Okinawa, Japan in 2011. It sounds like forever ago (12 years?!), but to us, it seems like just yesterday. My husband was in the Marine Corps. and it was our first overseas duty station. I remember being both excited and overwhelmed.
It was May when we stepped foot on that tropical island in the Ryuku chain. It was dreadfully hot, miserable, and the air was so thick from moisture that you could cut through it with a knife. Nevertheless, we loved it, and to this day it’s still our favorite duty station. I have very fond memories of our Oki life.
Our oldest son, Josh, had just turned 4 when we moved, and I knew that the upcoming school year would mean sending him to the base preschool.
Being a preschool teacher for almost a decade, I thought I had prepared myself for this. I even took him to work with me the last year I was a classroom teacher. That’s a story for another day. The point here is, it wouldn’t be new for him or I.
What would be new is me not being with him at all.
Our first day in Okinawa, Japan. May 2011. Josh 4, Jake 9 months.
When I worked at the school before, and took him with me, I was pregnant with our youngest child (Jake). Jake had just turned one that August, and I would be staying home with him while Josh was at preschool.
About a week before school started, I came down with horrible anxiety. I didn’t want to send him. We had prepped him like we were told to do, and he seemed okay with the idea of going. He’s always been a outgoing, sociable kid, and I knew he’d be friends with everyone by the end of the week.
But the growing pit in my stomach just wouldn’t stop.
I cried my eyes out to my husband. Back then, homeschooling wasn’t even on our radar. He encouraged me to let him spread his wings and go to school.
In my heart though, I knew I wanted him home. I knew that I was more than equipped to teach preschool (hello, former pre-k teacher 👋 ).
But I hadn’t even stopped to consider the idea of homeschooling.
First day of school
The next morning I took him to preschool. I hated it. I hated saying goodbye, I hated how he kissed and hugged me tightly and tried to comfort me. I hated walking back to my car. I hated sitting behind the steering wheel and not moving, trying to hold in the tears. I hated that I felt in the pit of my soul that this was not right, and I was forcing myself to do it.
But when you’re wired from society that “this is what we do”, you just do it. We don’t even think about these things.
Which is why, I suspect, is one of the main reasons we get pushback for homeschooling. It’s different. It’s outside of that norm, that robotic-like reaction that we do as parents when our kids turn 5; we send them to the government schools.
The best of friends
The boys missed each other fiercely
These two have always been best of friends.
Many brothers fight like cats and dogs, but we never really had that problem with Josh and Jake. Not to be braggy, but they’ve just always been super close. Josh has been that big brother who always looks out for his little brother and watches over him.
Jake loves being the little brother, if you can’t tell from this picture.
When Josh went to pre-k, Jake struggled a bit while he was gone. It was like someone took his other half. Even when they were not playing together, they would play side by side but independently. Jake would walk around somewhat lost without his big brother, which broke my heart.
If I could go back, I would have homeschooled him from that very first year.
I would have told my younger, 25 year old self, that homeschooling wasn’t weird.
This is the reality for most families in America today. We’ve been trained by society that at age 4/5, our kids go into preschool. Apparently, we need professionals with a 4 year degree to teach letters and colors now.
Then at age 6, it’s time for public school. Time for the yellow bus, “big school”, bullies, and lunchboxes. It’s time for sitting in a classroom for 5+ hours a day with 30 same-aged peers so we can say our children are “socialized”.
The reality is, we need to think about education differently.
I wish I had.
Behold Our Sovereign God
“And we know that all things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are the called according to his purpose”
However, God is sovereign. He’s ruling and reigning the entire world, and ruling my life and yours. So I trust his guiding in my life and in my children’s lives.
But oh, to go back and correct that decision, what I wouldn’t give. I feel like I lost those years sometimes.
It’s times like this where I have to lean on the sovereignty of God, laid out in Romans 8:28. It’s my favorite verse and has pulled me through many, many days.
So even when I feel like I made all the wrong decisions, God works those all out for His glory and for my good. It all serves a higher purpose. I don’t have to worry or feel guilty for those decisions .
In fact, it may even be sinful to feel that way. By worrying about it shows that I don’t trust the Lord in his timing and His sovereignty.
I’ve learned much in these last 3 years about trusting the Lord. Not just saying it, but having real, almost tangible trust in the God that created me. The one who foreordained the path my life was going to take. The One who created me, created my children, created my husband, and put us in the moment we are in right this very second.
Who else could we trust? Who else could we turn to?
Writing this, a verse from the hymn Behold Our God comes to mind:
“Who has held the oceans in his hands?
Who has numbered every grain of sand?
Kings and nations tremble at his voice
All creation rises to rejoice”
My trust is in no one else, in nothing else, but the Lord.
Be encouraged today, moms. The Lord sees you. He knew the sins you’d make before you made them. He knew what you would struggle with right now before He even created you in your mother’s womb.
He knew the things you’d regret today from decisions you made years ago.
Yet, He is still God. He still reigns. All these decisions, good or bad, will be for your good and ultimately His glory in the end. One day, you’ll find out why things worked out the way they did.
Be strong, pray fervently, and lean on the One who loves you.
Soli Deo Gloria,
Mandy
